


I would die for you (but I would die for anyone)

by yookhei



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Comfort, Depression, M/M, Mental Illness, it's kinda dark, maybe ill make it longer one day but for now this is it, purposefully lowercase, sorry i'm basically venting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-03-17
Packaged: 2019-11-22 21:47:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18142349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yookhei/pseuds/yookhei
Summary: while cleaning, mark sees a letter addressed to him in hyuck's desk drawer.





	I would die for you (but I would die for anyone)

**Author's Note:**

> (not beta’ed)  
> this is me venting about how I feel but making it about markhyuck. these are my words and feelings.

TO: MARK LEE

the envelope was white and plain, no decorations. it wasn't like the usual love letters hyuck wrote to him, those had stickers and hearts all over the place. he flipped the envelope over, reading, "open me when you receive this, i love you."

so he opened it.

 

* * *

hi mark, i'm sorry you have to read this. i never wanted it to come to this, I never wanted to get like this. I don't want to get all poetic and talk about things in a rhyme scheme or sound like I'm confessing something important in the 80's. but anyway, I guess I should start saying what it is that I have to say. it would be dumb of me to hope you don't cry because of what I did, but that's what I'm going to hope for anyway. I chose to do that and please don't blame yourself. I hope you know I love you and would die specifically for you at any second. I won't lie to myself-or you- and say that I did this so you wouldn't have to deal with me. but the truth is, I'm tired. I tried and tried to find a reason to stay alive, sometimes I tell myself that my family will be lost without me but like everyone does, they'll move on. I hope you do too.

I thought I was better. I thought I was finally getting out of that damn place that I was stuck in for so long. but mark, its 4:14 am and I'm crying because I'm so damn sad. I don't know what's wrong with me mark why am I so  _fucking_   _sad_? I'm getting bad again mark I don't want to be like this. I've been in denial for the last few weeks because I didn't want to admit to myself that I was back here. but honestly, I've been feeling so bad mark I fucking feel it in my heart mark I don't know what to do and I feel like I cant breathe and I honestly just want it all to  **stop**. I hate this about myself, I don't want to be this person mark, I want to be the happy person everyone sees me as. but I fucking feel it in my  _heart_. I can't breathe I feel it everywhere now and I don’t know what to do because it’s always fucking there mark. I don’t know what to do I just don’t want to feel like this anymore I want to be fucking happy mark I just want to be happy.

I had been better for a while I would like to think. I mean it’s always there, that feeling has always been there. It doesn’t matter what it is that is going on because I will always feel it in my heart. I can be smiling with my friends and I can actually be happy, I will be happy, but it will still be in my heart. i don’t want you to think i was never happy because i was. you make me happy. but it always comes crawling back, like a fucking disease, it’s like a bitter aftertaste to something sweet. I would always tell myself that I will be happy and to just think of the future that I’m going to have but you know what? I’m not curious anymore, I’m just so tired. I’m really tired. I don't want to do this anymore and I’m sorry.

I don’t want to live this way I want to be happy. I really wish things didn’t have to end this way. I wish I didn’t feel the way I do. I wish I could wake up every morning being happy that I was alive and be able to have a smile on my face but I can’t do it anymore.

I’m not going to say no one loves me because I know you do, I’m not going to say no one will miss me, because I know you will, I’m not going to say anything because no matter what I know you will not understand me, which makes me writing this pointless but in a way it’s giving me a chance to say my final goodbye to you and hopefully you can pass on some of my thoughts to anyone else who might need them. someone else who feels like they can't breathe no matter how hard they inhale. someone who relates a little too hard when reading these words. 

mark, I know you love me and I know you said you will always be here for me but I need you to let go. please let go of me now, after reading this letter, don’t let me stop you from living your happy life. you're going to go to the university of your dreams, you're going to graduate and find a job you enjoy, and you're going to find someone you love. I know this is going to happen because mark, you deserve the best in your life with the best people by your side and I am not one of them. you deserve people that fly high with you, not bring you down. I don't want my negativity to affect you so I feel like it's best to cut myself off of your life.

Why am I writing this for you? It’s just going to hurt you more once you read it, but I just really need to tell you goodbye. I want to tell you how I feel. mark, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me one day. I’m just not happy, no matter how hard I try to be. I really tried, you know I did. It got to the point where I depended on people for my happiness. I was always trying to find my happiness with someone because I knew I could never have it by myself.

i really feel like my death will not come as a surprise to you. if you noticed who i was, you should have been able to tell, that i was not always… happy. i’m pretty sure there was something about me that gave it away. always in bed, never wanting to go out, staying up late when no one else is awake and sleeping through the day to avoid people… one of these things should have clicked... and I'm sorry-i don’t want to apologize anymore but, i mean, given the circumstances it seems hard not to.

mark, I love you, but please... forget me. this is not something I can fix, it's a part of who I am. who I will always be. I love you.

please, god, tell me that after I do this I won’t feel anything. I'm stuck in winter and I just want to find my way out.

-hyuck.

* * *

it was like all the air in the room had been vacuumed out. mark couldn't breathe. he couldn't see, the tears in his eyes had started overflowing and his knees were about to give out.

just then, the door is unlocked and opened.

"mark? what's wrong? why are you-mark! you weren't supposed to read that! oh my god." hyuck gets on his knees next to mark, trying to take the letter away.

"why would you write something like this? what were you trying to do? why couldn't you just tell me how you felt?" mark cried, giving him the letter.

donghyuck says nothing, staring at the floor, tears in his eyes.

"hyuck please... I don't want to lose you. I love you. tell me how to help you."

"mark... I just... I  _can't_ be helped, I'm beyond that point. I just want it all to end. I'm tired of feeling this way, year after year. telling myself it gets better when it clearly doesn't. I'm so fucking tired of having to lie to myself and others about how I feel. I just want it all to end, I don't want to have to experience this anymore. it's in my chest and it's not coming out."

"hyuck. please. give me a chance, give me a chance to prove to you that life is worth living. there's beauty in the small things. you  _can_ be happy, you  _will_ be happy. I'll teach you."

"you'll teach me? what, how to be happy?"

"I'll teach you how to find happiness in the small things in life." he begged, hopeful eyes.

"please? hyuck? you told me to find someone i love and i did, i found you. you might think you bring me down but ever since i met you i’ve been so high up and i haven’t come down. you make me wish days were longer just so that i could have more time to spend with you. and i understand if that might not be enough for you but please give me the chance to show you that there’s more to life than this dark cloud of sadness. there’s more emotions than sadness and please let me help you experience them.” 

and while he didn't believe that mark would be able to teach him how to be happy after years of being stuck in the same place, hyuck saw the hope in his eyes and decided, that maybe, spring would come to him too.

 

**Author's Note:**

> honestly, writing mark was kind of hard since I didn't know how to comfort hyuck without saying the same old bullshit, but thank you for staying with me. 
> 
> I was originally going to kill hyuck off but decided that everyone needs hope. I don't know who needs to read this but: I love you. I know it's hard, I Know it is. I can't guarantee it gets better but I hope it does. if you can't live for yourself, please live for the hope that things will get better and that they will not always be this way. it'll be spring soon.


End file.
